Benevolent Boundaries and Being in the Wrong Body
And how mothers have a unique role to play in upholding benevolent boundaries
What are Benevolent Boundaries?
As described in my article about mothers’ Loving Limits, Benevolent Boundaries are a tool we can use, both within and without the parenting sphere, to:
Stop what you’re doing and enquire without judgement: Be open to hearing what’s upsetting someone
Decide where you stand: If something is being asked of you, enquire within about where you stand on that request
Hold your boundary benevolently: If the request conflicts with your needs1, you can say you hear their request, but you will stand your ground, and
Hear their complaints: Be willing to hear the other person’s protests against this, while still holding your boundaries.
Photo by Maria Lysenko on Unsplash.com
How can benevolent boundaries be applied here?
So let’s see how this would work if your child comes to you claiming that they think they might be transgender, non-binary or born in the wrong body. Your options are to:
Ask them to define what they mean. You both deserve clarity here. They may not be receptive to this as YouTube is crammed-packed with transgender channels with very clear scripts for “coming out” to parents, strategies for coping with their questions and offers of substitute parental support. However, at least a few gently put questions could get them thinking, such as “Ok. The topic of being transgender gets covered a lot these days. I’m not very sure, though, what being transgender means, or even what gender means. Do you have definitions for these? We do need to make sure we’re talking about the same thing so I can support you.”
Keep these conversations short and don’t expect to reach a resolution of your choosing straight away. This will take time, especially if your child has already taken steps to “transition” socially at school without your knowledge.If you have already formed a view on transgenderism, you may feel that merely supporting your child’s view doesn’t meet your needs (for e.g.) to:
hold utmost respect for the human body, nature and biological reality
as a parent, to protect your child from people who don’t know your child or have their best interests at heart, or from ideologies that are not grounded in biological reality
as a parent, to protect your child from decisions that could have life long impacts before they are old enough to make such decisions.
If on the other hand you are unsure about transgenderism, you may also feel that merely supporting your child’s view without question doesn’t meet your needs for:
understanding and information
protection of your child from something you or they don’t fully understand
When the time is right, let your child know that you love them unconditionally, that you will always be there for them, but going along with this concept doesn’t meet your needs, you need to negotiate their requests. You might ask that they research their choices more widely, such as:
are they aware that even “transitioning” socially has greater consequences than may seem apparent at first?
the impacts of breast binding, opposite sex hormones and surgeries
whether they can back out of their decision if they decide they were wrong later?
whether upholding sex role stereotypes (i.e.“gender identity”) is something worth preserving, or should we in fact be challenging them?
are they aware of “detransitioners” and are they willing to listen to their messages?
The creator of this meme has withdrawn their name, but there are lots of detransitioners who are sharing their experiences but get dismissed by trans rights advocates as irrelevant. Bear in mind this is likely to need to happen over several conversations, so carve out plenty of positive one-on-one time together first. Perhaps if this conversation is going well you might be able to suggest some helpful resources aimed at their age group that give a different point of view.
Your boundaries are not likely to be accepted without protest and shutting down of communication (another type of protest), but don’t cut yourself off from them in response. Every day in every way you can, keep letting them know you are there for them. Just be there and be there and be there. They won’t admit it, but they will be taking notice. One mother's response was eventually to take her child out of the situation that was the greatest influence, i.e. school, and go travelling to re-establish her connection with her.
Mothers' unique role in holding the line
Most mothers of children have lived long enough to know about life before the internet and devices and the disembodiment we experience from too much exposure. But life is very different for our kids. They know no different than the constant access to windows to another world, that we can manipulate and create fantasies from. The ability to take selfies, share every thought, meal, group hug and put a filter over it all, is a constant disconnect from reality.
Transgenderism requires us to conform to other people’s manufactured realities about their “gender identity” (i.e. that they were born in the wrong body, and to believe that, through a mere decision, they have literally changed sex and to agree to refer to them with different pronouns) and doctors are ready and waiting to facilitate the physical transformation with surgeries and hormones.
Many mothers are going along with their children’s assertions there were born in the wrong body; some from a position of powerlessness, e.g. out of fear that their children will commit suicide, others presumably because they believe in gender identity.
But if we choose to apply benevolent boundaries to our children who make this claim, we may see that through the practise of benevolent boundaries in everyday life, we have a deep connection with our child as our foundation, allowing us to probe their reasoning, gently and respectfully. We also have also built up the skill of identifying your needs that aren’t met if you simply accept your child’s claim.
Mothers are also deeply connected to their children through the uniquely embodying experience of gestating, birthing and nurturing them. There is no greater reminder that we are in a body, and that our bodies are a marvel, than these experiences.
Mothers, remember your importance
At these times of great challenge, we need to bring these memories to front of mind and remember also that our connection to our kids is not protected and revered in this society. In fact it is often undermined from the very beginning of your mothering journey through:
generalised lack of reverence and respect for the incredible, and still not fully understood, abilities of our female bodies
lack of support to birth our babies according to our wishes
lack of support to learn to breastfeed and continue the breastfeeding relationship to its natural conclusion without outside interference
lack of support to raise our children without being forced to return to work sooner than we would choose,
strictly enforced schooling attendance over 5 days a week for 42 weeks a year from as young as 4 years of age, with no allowances for family holidays, and now
schools facilitating social “transition” of children without parents’ knowledge, and even forced removal of the child if parents disagree2
children being able to access medications and surgeries without parental knowledge. (In Australia from age 16.)
If you have instinct that your child was born in the perfectly correct body, remember all the other times when your instincts were right and:
look deeply into your needs that aren’t being met by going along with your child’s wishes,
hold your boundaries with confidence, and
be willing to hold your child patiently and without judgement while they protest.
You’re doing an amazing job in the face of great difficulty. And you may find yourself watching a very challenging situation unfold, but keep your boundaries benevolently. Keep loving them and letting them know you’re there. Eventually your love will win.
The work of Marshall Rosenberg, author of “Non-Violent Communication” is very helpful for defining our needs.
This is happening around the world, including Australia. See Bulletin 55 of the NSW Education Department that allows social transition to happen without a parent’s knowledge if the parent does not have custody or if the child raises concerns about the parent knowing.